Frequently Asked Questions
about Sexual Addiction
By Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS (Reproduced by permission SRI Institute)
Q: How do I know if I am a sex addict?
The primary way to identify any addictive behavior is to consider whether
it is causing negative or unwelcome problems and yet you return to it
anyway. If your sexual behaviors have caused consequences to your legal
status, relationships, career, health (emotional or physical), yet you
continue to engage in those sexual behaviors anyway then there is likely
a problem. You know that you are a sex addict if your sexual behaviors
take up more time, energy and focus than you would like or if they cause
you to act in ways that go against your underlying values and beliefs.
Men and women who are sexual addicts will frequently say to themselves,
"This is the last time that I am going to..." yet they will
find themselves ultimately feeling driven to return to the same sexual
situations, despite previous commitments to change.
Sexual addicts are most often unable to make and keep commitments to
themselves and others about stopping or changing particular sexual behaviors
over the long term and most have problems with real intimacy. They will
describe having feelings of overwhelming intensity while approaching
the possibility of engaging in their particular sexual behavior and
describe this intensity state as "being in the bubble" or
"like being in a trance." This intensity/arousal state is
typical and helps sexual addicts block out the potential consequences
of what they are about to do. Typical sexual addict behaviors include:
compulsive use of the Internet, phone lines or personals ads for sex,
consistent use of prostitutes, sexual massage or escorts, multiple affairs,
frequent sex outside of primary relationships, anonymous sex and compulsive
masturbation.
Q: If I turn out to be a sex addict, why can't I just take
prescription medications to reduce my sex drive?
Certain anti-depressant and hormonal drugs do reduce sexual drive, but
medications alone cannot solve the problems underlying sexual addiction.
It can be helpful to some people to consider medication as an option
(through a consultation with a Psychiatrist familiar with addictive
disorders) but rarely do those medications eradicate or evolve long-term
changes to compulsive sexual behaviors. For sexual addicts, long term,
addiction-based counseling, 12 step support group attendance and a commitment
to making adjustments in life circumstances are the best start toward
creating long term change. Sexual addiction is not just a problem of
being too horny or wanting sex too often. Sexual addiction is a disorder
where a person uses cruising, flirting, fantasy, intrigue and sex itself
as a way of managing and tolerating feelings and underlying emotional
conflicts. Sex addicts seek sexual highs to substitute for the support
and intimacy they really need but do not allow themselves. Even though
they may be surrounded by friends, family or supportive spouses; sex
addicts will turn to the isolating intensity of their sexual behaviors
or comfort rather than using the real human support that they have available.
Sexual addiction is more than a physical problem that can be solved
by taking a pill; it involves complex and often confusing emotional
concerns.
Q: Can masturbation and pornography be a part of sex addiction?
Compulsive masturbation with or without the use of pornography and the
compulsive viewing of porn with or without masturbation both present
longstanding problems for many sex addicts. Whether it is through cybersex,
phone sex lines, videos, and porn magazines or simply through fantasy;
sexual addicts can lose hours daily to the isolating activities of fantasy
and masturbation. Sexual addiction is not necessarily defined by having
sex with another partner, some sexual addicts are too afraid of getting
caught, getting a disease or being rejected to seek out partners for
their acting-out. Instead, those involved in compulsive masturbation
or compulsive viewing of pornography may lead lonely, disconnected lives,
never really understanding what it is that keeps them from real intimacy
and connection with those around them. Many sexual addicts who utilize
compulsive masturbation as their primary way of sexual acting-out are
in complete denial that their patterns of sexual release are any different
than most people. Caught in compulsive patterns -- often begun in childhood
or adolescence -- the sex addict who is masturbating compulsively may
masturbate every night to get to sleep or every morning in the shower.
Thus these behaviors become as much a part of their daily routine as
eating or sleep.
Q: If Alcoholics and drug addicts define "being sober"
by not drinking or using mind altering chemicals, how does a sexual
addict define sobriety without having to abstain from sex altogether?
Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is not usually
defined as abstinence from sex, although some recovering persons may
take a short period of celibacy to help gain personal perspective or
address a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined through
the use of a "sex plan" or "contract" between the
sexual addict and their 12-Step recovery support sponsor, therapist
or clergy. These plans are ideally written down, and involve clearly
defined, concrete behaviors from which the addict has committed to abstain
in order to define sobriety. Some relationship or sexual recovery plans
have very strictly defined boundaries, No sexual activity of any kind
outside of a committed marital relationship could be one such defined
boundary, No sex before being in a committed relationship, another.
Sobriety is defined as abstinence from the sexual activities which cause
the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets or which are illegal or abusive.
Personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves
in their understanding of the disease. One recovering mans' early contract
started out as, "I am sober as long as I do not have sex in a public
place, use pornography, see prostitutes or old girlfriends (whom I am
just seeing for the sexual contact)." This same man's "sex
plan" evolved over the period of a few months to be all of the
above plus... "I am sober as long as I do not engage in flirtation,
intrigue or sexual seduction with strangers or have sexual or romantic
liaisons with anyone I have dated for at least 90 days prior to sex."
Sexual contracts such as these are always created in discussion with
at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy, and are not
changed without the prior agreement of those trusted people.
Q: My wife caught me several months ago in online cybersex/romantic
chats and porn viewing. At the time I admitted I had a problem and joined
a 12 step program for help. I have not acted out sexually since that
time, however my wife continues to be distant, critical, angry and mistrustful.
What can I do to make our relationship improve?
The situation you describe is one that is frequently encountered by
newly recovering sex addicts. Here you are, finally addressing your
problem, being truthful with your partner and not acting-out. Yet she
is angry, devaluing and distant. What is wrong here? Why isn't she cheering
on the good progress you are making and being more understanding that
you have a problem you are addressing? Let's look at the reality of
the situation here. Although you are doing well and dealing with the
issues and deserve lots of support and validation, it seems wrong to
ask that your partner be the one to offer you that validation right
now. As with many recovering sex addicts, you are missing the partner's
side of the issue. Should she cheer for the fact that you are no longer
betraying your wedding vows and the sanctity of your relationship, that
you have now decided to respect the commitments you made to each other?
Put in that context it can be easier to understand that your partner
is deeply hurt, angry and suspicious and probably will remain that way
for some time. Just as she stood by as you emotionally abandoned the
relationship through your sexual acting-out, you will have to be just
as patient with her anger, disappointment and suspicion. It is vital
that she express those feelings, even if they are hurtful, difficult
and sometimes intolerable to you.
For a while, things are not going to feel so great for you as a couple
which really is the inevitable outcome of your own actions. You do need
to get the support for your hard recovery work which you can from friends
in the 12 step programs, sponsors, therapists and others who can be
on your side without their own issues coming up. Give your partner the
space and understanding to express their hurt and anger without your
trying to avoid it, dismiss it or make it different. In time things
will improve. It is always helpful to consider couples counseling, attending
RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) or other couples support groups to
help work through the rough times.
Q: For many years I have found outlets to satisfy what I have
always perceived as a large sexual appetite. My wife doesn't seem to
want to have a lot of sex so I have been involved in affairs, porn use
and regularly receive sensual massages. Is this really a problem? Lots
of guys I know brag about their conquests and what they are doing sexually
and they don't seem to have a problem -- why should I worry?
One of the first questions to ask yourself in determining whether or
not you have a sexual addiction problem is, "Why am even I asking
myself about the appropriateness of my sexual behavior?" Most people
don't, for the most part, consistently question whether what they are
doing sexually is right for them, nor do most people use the comments
of "locker room conversations" to justify or compare their
own sexual activities to others. It is worth noting that to even ask
these kinds of questions may indicate that down deep you feel like there
is some kind of problem. Secondly, part of what determines whether someone
is a sex addict is not just looking at his or her sexual behaviors,
but also at how they are living their lives. Many sex addicts are constantly
lying to partners, keeping sexual secrets and finding ways to justify
their sexual behaviors. How does your current sex life affect your sense
of integrity and your own personal values or belief systems? How does
it make you look at yourself? Forget what other guys say they do, how
do you feel about your sexual behavior? It is one thing if you and your
wife have a mutual and consensual understanding that some of your sexual
activity will take place outside of the marriage, but are you keeping
secrets and sneaking around, using lies or omissions to get away with
your activities?
As to the sex itself, a sex addict is defined as: A man or woman who
engages in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behaviors acted
out despite harmful consequences or potential consequences to self or
others. This means that for the sex addict, the sexual behaviors in
question either have caused serious consequences to your life (legal,
relationship, career, emotional, physical etc.) or that they have the
potential to do so and yet those risks are being ignored. Before making
a decision as to whether or not you are a sex addict it would be helpful
to ask yourself if you are ignoring life consequences or the potential
for those consequences in order to maintain access to your sexual activities.
One thing that can help determine if there is a sex addiction problem
present is to simply take a time out from all sexual behavior. Try not
having sex at all for 30 days or so and see: 1) Can you keep the commitment?
2) How difficult was keeping it? 3) What feelings and experiences did
you have of yourself while taking this "time out"? If you
cannot maintain the commitment to yourself or find it extremely difficult,
you may have a problem worth looking into. Also it is extremely helpful
to attend some sex addiction 12 step programs to get a clearer idea
of what those who have the problem are dealing with and how they are
managing it.
Q: I am a gay man and am having trouble with calling myself
a sex addict. I have gone through a lifetime of feeling stigmatized
for my sexual orientation, and now it seems that by considering myself
to be a sex addict I am just adding to that stigma. Although I do struggle
with the nature and degree of my sexual behaviors, I wonder if taking
on the label of sexual addiction is just another way of making me wrong
for my sexuality.
It is very understandable that you would not want to be the subject
of a cultural prejudice any more than you have already been so, but
there are some important points that you should keep in mind. Being
a sex addict is not something that anyone wants, it just is. And there
is no difference between a straight sex addict and a gay sex addict
except the sex of the person that they are pursuing. Straight men have
strip bars, prostitutes, adult movie theatres, porn, cybersex, etc.
Gay men have sex clubs, bathhouses, prostitutes, adult movies porn,
cybersex, etc. The choices are slightly different, but the behavior
is exactly the same. If you sit and listen to both straight and gay
sex addicts speak about their problems, you quickly find that they have
more in common in terms of the intensity, drive and compulsive nature
of their behaviors than they have differences. The best sex addiction
recovery work is done when sex addicts are able to reach below superficial
differences to see those commonalities.
It is helpful to remember that acknowledging to yourself that you may
be a sex addict does not attach a negative label to your morality, value
system or humanity, no more than does calling someone who drinks to
excess an alcoholic. The "label" of sex addiction is simply
the most convenient and accurate term to use to describe certain sets
of compulsive sexual behaviors, which need to be attended to with a
particular kind of treatment. There is no clinical judgment placed on
the diagnosis or the treatment of sex addiction, though feelings of
shame, fear and embarrassment about being a sex addict are perfectly
normal and predictable.
Q: As a woman who acts out compulsively in her sexual behavior,
I have a great deal of fear and embarrassment in addressing these issues
and getting help. Most everything I read and see about sex addicts refers
to men and their behaviors. This makes me feel like a woman can't have
this problem or she has to be even sicker to have it. Yet I think I
am a sex addict and I really struggle with this.
First of all, there are many women sex addicts. No, the problem is not
as common or obvious for women as it is seen to be in men, but that
doesn't mean that there aren't many, many women who suffer from compulsive
sexual and romantic behaviors, there are. In your comment you do hit
on a major reason why so few women feel comfortable coming forth and
admitting to having a sexual addiction problem. After all, what do we
call a man who frequently acts out with sexual conquests and sexualized
behavior? Terms like stud, macho dude or just plain lucky are the kinds
of references that are most often culturally made to men in this category.
But what of the woman who frequently engages in sexual activity? There
our terms are quite different. Women in this category the culture calls
sluts, whores, loose, etc. Not exactly the kind of validation that anyone
would want to acknowledge. So, while our society often rewards men for
excessive sexual behavior, it simultaneously punishes and devalues women
for the same activities. No wonder it is so difficult for women to come
forth and admit they have a problem.
Similarly, in looking back into the history of 12 step recovery programs,
you will find that 60 years ago or so when AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)
was getting started, most of those meetings were male dominated. Rarely
was a woman to be found in an AA meeting, for in those days alcoholics
were perceived to be males, usually found drunk in back-alleys and half-way
houses. Of course now we know that back then there were many, many women
alcoholics, they were just more likely to be at home tipping the cooking
sherry than out in a bar getting publicly drunk. The same situation
seems to be the case in sexual recovery. Males today dominate most sexual
recovery meetings, though this is beginning to change and even that
culture has difficulty acknowledging that women do act out sexually.
Increasingly 12 step sexual recovery programs are opening themselves
and their membership to more women, some providing women-only sessions,
others more mixed meetings. Most local support group lists will state
those meetings open to women sex addicts. It is essential for women
in sexual recovery to seek out and find the fellowship of other recovering
women to share their stories and reduce the stigma of being a woman
with this problem.
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